August 03, 2007

Pocket of Hate: The Double Micro Zap

So, this girl, this intern at work, is now my nemesis. I'm actually excited about having a nemesis again, because most of my old nemeses are no longer in the club. First, there was this guy that always seemed to be parallel parking in the last available spot, on the same street, every morning, just 2 minutes before my arrival, no matter what time I left for work. Then, there was the woman that sat behind me at work that sounded like she was constantly trying to swallow a ham sandwich when she talked. And boy did she talk. And finally, there was this copyeditor at work that wasn't really a copyeditor because every time you asked him a question, he'd rush to Google to "poll the audience." The most popular spelling, etc...of the searched term on the web would win. No reference books. No grammar guru schtick. Just Google.

My new nemesis, this intern, pulled a double micro zap on me yesterday at work. And that, is just unacceptable. I don't know much about etiquette, but one thing I know is that you don't ask "Hey, can I sneak in on your micro-zap session?" I mean, there are zapping times indicated on all frozen entrees, and these don't account for the "double zap." It just screws things up. I mean, if the double micro zap was supposed to happen, there'd be a pre-programmed button on every microwave that said "toss your shit in with someone else's shit" living alongside the "popcorn" button. And, there isn't.

So, this intern. My new nemesis. She asks and I say yes, because I felt like I couldn't say no. So, here we are, double zapping, my enchiladas in with her lean cuisine. I set the timer for a little longer than the usual zap time, just hoping to overcome the inevitable horror of the double zap, and then I headed back to my desk. She stays in the kitchen. She does some fancy footwork. She sits back down at her desk, piping hot lean cuisine in hand. She starts eating.

I head into the kitchen, and what do you know...my enchiladas are sitting in the microwave, still fucking frozen. Yeah, I could see it coming. I mean, the double micro zap just doesn't work. That's why a micro-zap line is formed at lunchtime in the kitchen. Most people understand this. This girl. This intern. Well, she will just have to live on, not knowing that she has now become my new nemesis.

So, I feel like I need to close with a disclaimer, for those of you that don't really "know" me. I love to be extreme about things. I mean, what's the point of life if you're not pouring Mountain Dew and No Fear into everything you do? And, don't even get me started about wallpapered light switches....

5 comments:

Cadien said...

From now on, it's all Mountain Dew and NO FEAR for this girl. Pouring it into everything. Does this mean I have exhibit some Xtreme Double Zapping Behaviors in the work kitchen to combat your Xtreme dislike of this particular cooking infraction? Also, the reason the light switches are the same pattern/color is so that they are flush with the wall. It's all about aesthetics. I mean, you aren't REALLY going to pee on the floor b/c you can't find the switch, right? Though that would be Xtreme...

Satisfied '75 said...

interns suck.

Reverend Mike said...

Let me recommend to your wayward colleague one of the finest books on proper living in these modern times: Emily Post's "Etiquette" (1922).

While the book might not address specifically the proper use of microwave ovens, I'm sure the general principles are there, and even if they are not, it is but common knowledge in today's society that coercing a microwave double-up is the crudest sort of barbarism.

Ant B said...

scramblina, as a witness to the most recent previous two or three, I am super-relieved that you have a new nemesis. I know how important (and tasty) those enchiladas are and it is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable, what she did to you. what the hell is it with interns, anyway? they're either insanely great or wretched. I hate interns. death to interns. I say you spit in her lean cuisine the next time you nuke some nasi goreng in her vicinity.

Kduuubs said...

Don't interns know you're supposed to be scared of your superiors. That's the # 1 quality I look for in an intern...fear.